Of FOMO and Me

Last night we had our opening performance of Not I here in Berlin. The show went well and the audience seemed to enjoy it.

It was quite late when we finished and none of us had eaten so the whole team went to a nearby falafel place for a late-night dinner. There are seven of us in total: Leftwing Idiot (director), my support worker Aidan, producer Nassy, production manager Erik, technician Tom, and Julia who is our incredible German sign-language performer (otherwise known as DGS).

I wasn’t feeling brilliantly well – the usual combination of sore, sick and tired – so I didn’t eat anything myself and instead just enjoyed hanging out with the team and soaking up the relaxed atmosphere. As soon as everyone had finished we headed back to the hotel and Aidan helped me straight into bed.

The rest of the team hung out for a bit longer, chatting and drinking in Leftwing Idiot’s room, as they’ve done on most nights since we arrived. There was a time when I’d have tried to stay up too, or felt like I was missing out by going to bed (FOMO). But I haven’t felt this at all. I’m not sure if this is testament to my maturity and sensible decision-making, or to how unwell I am at the moment.

One of the great things about touring is getting to spend time in new places, but it’s quite easy to feel under pressure to be out exploring all the time.

I woke up this morning with the whole day stretching out before me. I didn’t have to be at the theatre until this evening so the day was mine to use in any way I wanted. I decided to stay in bed.

I’ve rested, watched telly with Aidan, napped and had a lovely, long, hot shower. I’m so glad I chose to spend the day like this rather than seeing the sights.

It’s not for want of things to see and do though – Berlin’s a brilliant, vibrant city. But at a time when my access requirements are changing I’m at last learning to listen to my body.

Choosing to do nothing is a big step forward.

Today was blissful and it’s left me feeling very ready for my performance later tonight. It’ll be the last show here in Berlin, but it’s also the last show of the year.

There were moments when I didn’t know if I’d make it to this point in one piece, and the fact that I have is down to the skill and support of my amazing team. To all of them, to everyone who’s helped us on the road, to all the venues who’ve welcomed us and to the audiences who’ve responded with warmth and grace – a very big thank you.

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