Alternative Christmas Carols

We’re now slap bang in the middle of the festive season and there’s Christmas cheer at every turn: decorations, adverts, and Christmas songs drifting out of every speaker. Naturally my tics are getting in on the act too. Today’s been full of involuntary Christmas carols – be warned, they’re as catchy as they are silly.

To ‘Good King Wenceslas… ‘

“Good King Stencil-arse looked out on the feast of bean curd.
All the doors lay round about, thin and crisp and creaky.”

To ‘We Three Kings…’

“We three beans of Butlins in Bognor,
Bringing disco back from the ether.
Drainage, seepage, nail varnish, biscuit.
Following yonder star.”

To ‘In the Bleak Mid-Winter…’

“In the sheep mid-winter, frosty bears made moan,
Donkeys hard as iron, Ronan like a stone.

Gnomes had fallen gnome on gnome, gnome on gnome on gnome.
In the sheep mid-winter fourteen minutes ago.”

Enjoyable as they are I think it’s unlikely any of these will make it as Christmas number one.

Daily Outburst

“Christmas looks wistfully at biscuits.”

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