I’m going to bed this evening full of excitement, and unusually it’s got nothing to do with the lamp-post outside my bedroom window. No, this time it’s because tomorrow morning Leftwing Idiot and I are flying to Toronto. We’re going because I’ve been invited to give a talk about the intriguingly titled Republic of Inclusion at the Theatre Centre. It’s part of the equally exciting-sounding Progress Festival.
It’ll be no surprise to anyone who knows me that I did my packing days ago! My bag’s waiting patiently on the sofa, and because of all the dramatic warnings I’ve been given about the weather in Toronto it’s bursting with warm winter clothes.
As you’d expect, my tics have been preparing in their own way too – they’ve gone into Canadian overdrive:
“Put a maple leaf on your head and laugh.”
“Canadian cats play hockey backwards.”
“The Canadian flag is flying at half-mast for Mother Biscuit.”
“Beavers eat ketchup sandwiches.”
“Barn dance in a beaver sanctuary.”
“The Canadians are peacekeeping the pandas.”
“Canadian Peacekeeping Panda Force”
“The Rocky Mountains are like gravel.”
“Niagara Falls down because it can’t stand up.”
“Hello Toronto, vacuum your carpets.”
“Hello Toronto, just whistle down the wind.”
“Canada goose put some pants on!”
“Please can you put a Canadian bear on top of a porridge factory?”
“Canada’s national dish: Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
“I’m smoothing up the Rocky Mountains.”
“Canada goose, where’s your socks?”
We’re in Toronto until next Monday so look out for my special #CanadianOutburst which I’ll be drawing from this selection every day while we’re over there. I’ve got no idea what to expect, but a barn dance in a beaver sanctuary would certainly be quite a surprise.