Little Known Facts About Sheepdogs
It’s unusual for me to be able to talk during a ‘ticcing fit’ let alone come out with any complex vocal tics. But on rare occasions a stream of elaborate tics on an apparently random subject will ensue.
Tonight at Leftwing Idiot’s I started to fit, and out of the blue I started ticcing about the importance of chutney in the lives of sheepdogs. I can’t overstate how far both of these things were from my mind at the time, but here’s what I found myself saying about them:
“Who’s collecting chutney for sheepdogs?”
“Old English Sheepdogs need fourteen different types of chutney everyday.”
“Capitalist chutney for sheepdogs.”
“In ancient times Old English Sheepdogs made chutney with rosehip and arsenic.”
Leftwing Idiot struggled to keep me safe and write down all the tics at the same time. He scribbled them down as fast as he could while using his leg to make sure I didn’t slip off the sofa.
Without this skilful manoeuvre these little-known, but important, facts about sheepdogs and preserves would’ve been lost for ever.
When I was a baby my parents never needed a baby monitor because my old English sheepdog used to stay by my cot and bark whenever I cried. He died in my arms when I was 10. I named my most loyal guitar after him (Brian, my festival guitar. He even broke someone’s nose).
Anyway, onto a happier topical subject:
My tics have taken to bizarre turnip-based confessions this evening: ‘I eat turnips, but only for breakfast, mostly only for breakfast, sometimes for other meals too’ (incidentally, I have no strong feelings about turnips)