Brian’s been around for a while now. I talk about him so often it’s starting to feel like he’s an absent housemate. Later this month I’m planning a Secret Santa for him at the castle – I’ll have some friends over, all bearing gifts for Brian. But who is he? I often get asked searching questions about his life and his history, so last night I let my tics take over so set the record straight. What follows is Brian’s resumé.
Name: Brian Billie-Jo Jean Bidlington By Proxy
Address: 82a AIDS Street, Longtown, SE5 8PT
Brian’s an energetic fish-net-stocking-wearing, horseradish cum-guzzling lovely dog. Brian writes about himself in the third person. Brian holds hands with goats. Oh Brian!
Job Title: Dancer
Company: Cancer Research
Dancing for pickled onions, bears, bins, bishops. Brian danced with some lights around his head every year for fourteen years as part of a national telethon.
Dying with dignity
Not falling into Simba’s mouth in the Lion King
Dancing with an otter named Nelson
Job Title: Astrologist
Company: Paediatrics, Paediatrics Polo
Location: Swindon (near Sweden)
Dates: Four minutes to eight minutes.
Piss. He pissed a lot. There was some tea-making, biscuit-eating, crisp-loving, sandwich-boxing, pissing.
Fitting eight Polos on his one finger
Talking to a sheepdog named Brian about Brian
And he learnt sign language
Studied: Cattle-rearing for beginners
He learnt all about ladybirds. He was a sex god at university. He was in the Lawn Tennis Association. He was in Bowls Club. He was on Top Gear, sitting behind Jeremy Clarkson wearing spectacles. Nanna. His best friend’s named Kevin.
Secondary School: Mini-RADA, Legoland School, Windsor
Studied: Picks, language, arts, Francesca Martinez, billy goats, Brian, snow domes, how to make globes with a compass and a piece of rice paper, glass weaving.
Primary School: Kitten Shit Hill School, Dog Kennel Hill, East Dulwich, Lionsville, London (next to Nunhead).
Studied: How to spray-paint Nancy Dell’Olio silver.
He looks very good in a jumper. He’s excellent at wearing socks. He can dress himself, brush his own teeth, make a picnic lunch for four people. Brian! He can spell his name forwards and backwards. Dando! He can mop up blood from doorsteps. Dando! He can make doorstop sandwiches. Dando! He can nipple dance. He can tell stories in one breath when drunk. He’s got a degree in Picture Framing from the University of Essex that he doesn’t like to talk about, and he’s fourteen percent more likely to be a biscuit than a bear.
His special skills also include: knitting, golf, harpsichord, hunter-gathering, ice-cream vendoring. He’s got a BTEC in being an ice cream vendor, swimming, boules, archery, hairdressing, beer painting, northern Celtic culture, cat massage.
Name: Tony Blair
Address: Bishops Gate
Name: The Archbishop of Fisting
Name: Father Christmas
Name: Mickey Mouse
Address: 8 Donut Street, London
Name: Keith Chegwin
Address: 98 Ashpole Furlong, Biscuit, Milton Keynes
So there we have it. I hope that sheds some light on Brian’s interesting and varied life for you. It’s a glowing resumé and an excellent model for anyone starting out in the world of work. Hopefully Brian won’t have been headhunted by a massive global company before his Secret Santa party.
“It’s a little dolphin in a Santa hat.”