This evening something upset me. What it was doesn’t really matter, what interested me was that my tics didn’t overreact to the sadness.
The way I responded to feeling upset tonight was very different to the dramatic way I sometimes behave following trivial challenges or small emotions.
In a week where I’ve massively overreacted to making a mistake on a spreadsheet, running Poppy’s foot over with my wheelchair, and noticing a bruise on my own arm, reacting appropriately to an emotion was a relief.
The dramatic and impulsive way I behave means I sometimes question my own belief that I’m not actually bothered by whatever’s triggered it and I find myself doubting my own feelings. I’ve lost count of the times my reactions have taken me totally by surprise.
The unpredictable reactions of my tics are one of the hardest aspects of having Tourettes. It’s not so much the behaviour itself that bothers me but the guilt, worry and embarrassment that comes afterwards.
Tonight’s unhappiness has passed. But the experience has made me realise I do know the difference between when I’m really upset and when I’m not. As a result I think I’ll try to worry less about the times my tics magnify small feelings.