Fuckoff Loop

I’m having a difficult evening tic-wise. I’m saying ‘fuck’ over and over again in the same monotonous voice, and it’s been driving me mad. Leftwing Idiot and Poppy were here, and I’d desperately wanted to enjoy a relaxing evening hanging out with them. It didn’t really work out like that.

I could tell Leftwing Idiot was feeling low, and though I’m not sure what part – if any – my tics played in this, I’m sure they didn’t help. Poppy made some delicious pancakes and I tried to fight my mood and tics by helping her. But my feelings kept bubbling up and my tics reacted forcefully. This in turn made me feel more upset and I started behaving dangerously.

They’ve gone home now and I’m writing this in bed. The ‘fuck’ tic is still looping, and I can’t stop thinking about whether or not they’d had a horrible evening. When my tics are really intense I worry about the effect they have on other people. I hate the idea of my friends feeling stressed out by my behaviour, or being put off hanging out with me.

This is one of those moments when I feel really alone and wish I could walk out of the room and leave my tics behind.

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