Hen Do

7:30am – Fat sister comes and wakes me up. I have 30 minutes to get ready to leave for a Hen Do in Manchester.

8:00am – We’re off. I’d warned Fat Sister I’d be struggling on the icy pavements and would need her help. We start slipping about immediately and she says, “This is going to be trickier than I thought.”

10:00am – We’re on the train and my tics are inevitably attracting attention. Each station brings new passengers who have to get used to the strange noises in the carriage.

12:30pm – Rory, the Hen’s fiancé, collects us from the station. As I get in the car he announces that he won’t be following any directions I give him, reminding us that the last time I was in a car with him I kept shouting, “Left, right and STOP!”

4:00pm – Time to get ready to go out. I’ve just had my nails painted, a job that involved three additional people.

6:00pm – Fat Sister, the maid of honour, has organised some Hen Do games. I’m the caller in ‘Wedding Bingo’, which is causing some confusion: “Biscuit” and “Caveman” are not on the cards.

11:30pm – I head outside for a quick walk because I’m struggling to stay sitting down. One of the bouncers finds Fat Sister and says, “Your friend has just walked off down the street, will she be alright on her own?” Fat Sister says, “Of course she will,” and explains about Tourettes. There’s no snow in Manchester.

2:00am – As we’re leaving the bar, two men introduce themselves to me and then stand and stare without saying a word. I’m a bit bemused, but Fat Sister says to them “It’s not OK to introduce yourselves and then just stare. It’s Tourettes, not street entertainment.”

3:30am – Sorting out where everyone’s sleeping is a bit tricky. Fat Sister’s making it very clear there’s no way on God’s earth she’s sharing an air bed with me. So she’s getting the airbed and I’m getting the sofa.

Advent Outburst #4

“Pucker up Christmas.”

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