Maybe I spoke too soon yesterday when I proudly announced that my mood had been assessed as normal. I’m not so sure that would have been today’s judgement. I’ve been feeling weepy on and off recently but not for any specific reasons that I can identify. I suspect it’s a mixture of things that have led to me feeling low. The biggest factor is probably lack of sleep, but I don’t think everything can be explained by tiredness because, besides feeling tired, I’ve also been generally impatient with myself for some time.
This afternoon I said to Leftwing Idiot, “I feel so annoyed and irritated by my tics I can’t understand why anyone would want to spend time with me.” I went on, “There’s no reason why I should be sad, and most of the time I’m not. I have amazing support and am very lucky in lots of ways. Even so, I feel worn down and fed up.”
Leftwing Idiot’s response made me feel a lot better. Rather than telling me I was being silly, or simply trying to reassure me, he said there were reasons for me to feel sad. He told me that he often thought about how difficult it would be to deal with hitting yourself in the face constantly or having to worry about whether you’re going to head butt the wall.
His empathy helped me feel less critical of myself and has lifted my mood.
I told Poppy on the phone later that I’d had a tearful day and said I’d felt like a baby. I immediately followed this with my regular tic, “I’m a baby”.
How strange to hear it in context all of a sudden.