Raw on the Inside

It’s just after six in the morning. For the last few days I’ve woken super-early every day. Today though, rather than making myself go back to sleep, I’ve embraced the early start.

The light is incredible, bright sunshine’s already bouncing off the roses in the garden. The scaffolding outside my window is gleaming and the expanse of light blue sky is cloud-free.

My mind could not feel clearer, calmer or more relaxed, but unfortunately my body’s not quite on message. My hips are very sore and although the pain is deep inside me, it feels like the sort of raw stinging pain you get when you scrape your knee. I’ve had chronic pain in my back and hips for a long time now, but this pain seems to have a different quality.

As I’m lying here trying to absorb the stillness of the early morning I’m allowing myself to think about these two balls of fierce, stinging pain which have settled where my hip joints should be.

I’m not sure quite what’ll come from acknowledging and describing the pain but my instinct is that recognising it and giving myself time to understand it is going to serve me much better than burying my head in the sand and ignoring it.

One thing that’s come from writing this post is a load of new tics. They prove that no ancient proverb, phrase, or advertising slogan is safe from Tourettes:

“Raw on the inside, lumpy on the outside, porn star picnic.”
“On your marks, get set, bury your head in a mongoose.”
“Slow and steady wins the platypus.”

I’m going to get on with the rest of the day now and will try and pay attention to what my body needs.

I reckon I’ll start with a cup of tea to kick the process off.

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