I wrote yesterday about having had a bad day and feeling sad. It was a spectacularly miserable day, but some of what I was feeling wasn’t completely new. For example, over the last few weeks or even months there have been lots of times when I’ve felt lonely.
This is likely to sound ridiculous given that:
a) I spend all my time with a support worker
b) That it’s been a very busy time for Touretteshero and we’ve been doing all sorts of exciting things
c) That I have a network of amazing friends and family who live close by
In fact when I’ve thought about it, this feeling’s seemed so ludicrous that I’ve repeatedly dismissed it. But it hasn’t gone away.
I’m largely feeling this way because of recent big changes in my support arrangements. In October Leftwing Idiot, Zoë and Will all stopped providing regular support. They’d each been doing this for between three and five years and we were all close friends. Since then my new support worker has excellently assisted me, but we’re still in the process of getting to know each other.
I readily admit that I’ve been missing all the familiarity a lot, but I’m surprised it’s taking me so long to adjust. And I’ve been telling myself I’m silly for feeling this way.
It’s been compounded by the fact that Sophie, who’s been a long-term friend and who’s been filling in lots of the gaps in my schedule recently, headed back to Cuba yesterday where she lives for much of each year.
I mentioned all this to Rachel last night, and she told me it wasn’t silly at all. She compared it to moving into a new house and sharing with people you don’t know. She said it’s often unsettling and can take months for everything to feel normal.
It was useful hearing it in this way, and it’s helped me feel a bit less impatient with myself.
I know these feelings will pass and that I need to focus on looking after myself and getting to know my new support team.