This evening, as I wobbled along the hall with my carer who’d done just about everything I needed for the evening, I was suddenly hit by a blast of inexplicable sadness. I quickly said goodbye to her and went into to my bedroom.
Will was in the living room but I didn’t want to call him. I knelt on the floor and rested my head on my bed. I felt tears well up as my head flooded with everything that’s happened over the last two weeks.
There were no new problems this evening, no one had said anything, my hands are doing much, much better since the Botox – I still have a few curly fingers and stiffness, but no pain. I’d been feeling fine only moments before, but suddenly all the confusion, uncertainty and upheaval I’d felt since my hands became dystonic on Boxing Day came to mind, and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
If I’d been on my own I’d have had a good cry, but I didn’t want to worry Will or talk too much about how I felt. So I sat and let the tears welling up inside me drop back a bit and then I called Laura. She’s brilliant at listening, understanding, reflecting and empathising.
She helped me realise that while everything was in turmoil I had to focus on what needed to happen or be organised. And that now, with things slowly getting back to normal, it feels as though there’s a weird vacuum just waiting for shock and bewilderment to fill it again. I spoke to Fat Sister too, and between them they helped me appreciate that what I was feeling was an understandable reaction to the stress of everything that’s happened and the uncertainty it’s created.
After the calls I felt much calmer and I went back to the living room and told Will I was struggling a bit. He made a delicious stir-fry that we followed up with some comforting fruit crumble that St Zoë had made the other day, and I immersed myself in TV.
For the time being the muddle of feelings has moved on. I’m sure there will be other times when sadness suddenly rolls in, but I know that I have the strength, the friendships, and a endless supply of detective shows to draw on when I need them.