If my tics get over-excited about anything, it’s lists. I don’t know what it is about them, but given the slightest opportunity to reel off an array of thoughts and ideas, my tics take over and chaos ensues.
This can cause trouble when I’m genuinely trying to make a list of things at work or to give directions to someone, but for me, it’s one of the most hilarious and unexpected features of having Tourettes. To celebrate this, and to offer you an alternative to the standard teaching tools, I’m going to share my ABC of Tourettes in all its incredible neurodiversity:
A is for Apple cum.
B is for Bob Geldof’s over.
C is for Cat AIDS.
D is for Dog AIDS.
E is for Envelope.
F is for Fuck a dog.
G is for Gordon Brown’s tits.
H is for Homoerotic horse.
I is for an Igloo in Italy, suave.
J is for Jesus, Juggernaut, Joseph and get a vodka Jelly Cunt, new from Lidl.
K is for Kicking a killer whale in the bum.
L is for Logotron.
M is for Mummy’s mottled skin and Mancunian afterthought. I love Moley.
N is for Knees, Normans and Norma Major’s delicate lips. Knuckle down Nando’s.
O is for Ovarian cancer and an oblong shed that’s used to store beans and lemon curd.
P is for Pickled onion police officers.
Q is for Quidditch, a sport made-up by a very wealthy woman. Quidditch, a made-up sport, it’s not an Olympic sport, Quidditch.
R is for Russell, Romans, Rummage, Ryanair, Ridgeway, Bridleway, and Cockfosters.
S is for Swordfish in your pants. Suck a sock and send it to Santa, suck a sock and send it to September. Suck a sock. S is for socks.
T is for Thomas, where’s your mother?
U is for Uterus! It’s like Toys R Us but for female genitalia.
V is for Vodafone – tax dodgers. Valet. What’s a valet? A venereal disease with a hat on.
W is for Womb, womb, womb. Say Woo Woo where’s your pants?
X is for Exxon Valdez and the Harry Potter Hallucinogens.
Y is for Why don’t you turn off your TV set and mug a donut?
Z is for Zoë don’t put your hairbrush in your pants.
Wherever you’re at with your learning, I hope this has taught you something new about the alphabet.