Love Hearts Turn Me On
Back in February Poppy gave Leftwing Idiot a giant heart-shaped plastic box full of love hearts as a Valentine’s gift. To her obvious surprise he liked them, and we’ve all been slowly making our way through them ever since.
The other day I noticed my tics were substituting their own special messages for the ones on the hearts, so as an experiment this afternoon we cracked open a packet and let my tics do the talking.
‘Why Not?’ became:
‘Why not talk about your mum’s pants?’ and ‘Why not rape acid bears?’
‘I’m crazy about bins’ and ‘I’m crazy about Aardvark tits.’
‘You’re Fab’ became:
‘You’re only 55 stone’ and ‘You’re Fabio Capello’s mum.’
‘Tease Me’ became:
‘Tease me with an electric saw’ and ‘Tease me with Tantric sex.’
‘Pamper Me’ became:
‘Pampers for people over thirty’ and ‘Pamper me with pencils.’
‘Hug Me’ became:
‘Hug me with quicksand’ and ‘Hug me like Harold Shipman.’
‘Gee Whizz’ became:
‘Gee whizz I love talking about ashtrays’ and ‘G-Unit whizzed on my mum.’
Observant readers will notice there’s one message missing from the picture. That’s because I’d popped it in my mouth before Leftwing Idiot had a chance scan it!
I’m crazy about bins.
Why not talk about your mum’s pants?
G-Unit whizzed on my mum.
Gee whizz I love talking about ashtrays.
Hug me like Harold Shipman.
Hug me with quicksand.
Pamper me with pencils.
Pampers for people over thirty.
Tease me with Tantric sex
Tease me with an electric saw
You’re Fabio Capello’s mum.
I’m crazy about Aardvark tits.
Why not rape acid bears?