Love Hearts Turn Me On

Back in February Poppy gave Leftwing Idiot a giant heart-shaped plastic box full of love hearts as a Valentine’s gift. To her obvious surprise he liked them, and we’ve all been slowly making our way through them ever since.

The other day I noticed my tics were substituting their own special messages for the ones on the hearts, so as an experiment this afternoon we cracked open a packet and let my tics do the talking.

‘Why Not?’ became:
‘Why not talk about your mum’s pants?’ and ‘Why not rape acid bears?’

‘Crazy’ became:
‘I’m crazy about bins’ and ‘I’m crazy about Aardvark tits.’

‘You’re Fab’ became:
‘You’re only 55 stone’ and ‘You’re Fabio Capello’s mum.’

‘Tease Me’ became:
‘Tease me with an electric saw’ and ‘Tease me with Tantric sex.’

‘Pamper Me’ became:
‘Pampers for people over thirty’ and ‘Pamper me with pencils.’

‘Hug Me’ became:
‘Hug me with quicksand’ and ‘Hug me like Harold Shipman.’


‘Gee Whizz’ became:
‘Gee whizz I love talking about ashtrays’ and ‘G-Unit whizzed on my mum.’

Observant readers will notice there’s one message missing from the picture. That’s because I’d popped it in my mouth before Leftwing Idiot had a chance scan it!


Related tics

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