Poppy moved out of Leftwing Idiot’s flat today where we’ve both been staying since we moved out of the lair last month. Her new flat isn’t far away and I’m glad she’s been able to get settled before she heads back to college.
When I spoke to Leftwing Idiot on the phone this evening he asked if I was OK about Poppy moving out and I said yes, as I thought I was. But as we went on talking I started thinking about what it would really be like, being on my own. He could hear that I was upset but I knew that if I started to explain why, my feelings would get out of control and that didn’t seem fair on either of us, particularly as he was so far away.
My sadness and worry didn’t go away when I got off the phone. Living with Poppy has been lovely and I really enjoy her company. But she’s just starting her final year at Uni and needs the big space and settled environment that her new place will give her.
My reasons for being upset are quite selfish. I’ve liked knowing that someone will be coming home in the evening and that if I get stuck in the middle of the night all I really need do is shout. Thinking about the times when I’m struggling because of my tics and no-one’s about frightens me. But I know a big part of the reason I’m feeling low today is that I slept badly last night.
I didn’t give in to my mood this evening and I struggled hard not to cry. I went to my friend Claire’s for dinner. She lives nearby and though I managed to hold it together on the bus, almost as soon as I was through the door I was in tears.
Talking to Claire made me feel much calmer which meant my sadness and loneliness didn’t last long. This wasn’t because we came up with any amazing solutions but her understanding helped me feel better. By the time I left I felt happy and relaxed again.
There’s no easy answer to some of the challenges my tics are presenting at the moment. But I know I have to be honest with my friends about how I’m feeling or managing and that I must work at being positive.