For anyone old enough to remember, in 2011 Rihanna found love in a hopeless place. That place, if the video is anything to go by, turned out to be County Down in Northern Ireland. The song, with its catchy chorus, went to number one and spent an astonishing 63 weeks in the UK charts. That takes us to January 2013, which was nearly 13 years ago – plenty of time to have forgotten about this pop hit. Or so you would think. My tics seem to have other ideas.

Out of the blue last week, my version came into being – same melody, different lyrics:

“I fucked a cow in a hopeless place.”

And honestly, I think this re-interpretation is just right for the times we’re living in. Not only is the place hopeless but so is the activity itself. The tic’s been around long enough now that it deserves its own post but I’m hoping that it leaves in way less than 63 weeks.

No cows were harmed during the writing of this post.