I started writing this last week, but before I could post it, a load of things happened much faster than expected, so this is an updated version of that draft.

I started by reflecting on something I’d been doing every morning and every evening, for a few weeks, only in the bathroom and only when I was on my own. I’d sing a line from a long forgotten prayer:

“If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take”.

I’m not religious and I don’t think I’m about to die. But changes in my health have meant I’ve had to consider my mortality recently when making decisions about treatments. Singing that phrase feels like a very gentle overflow of all those thoughts. The repetition is neither chosen, nor totally involuntary. I just allow it to happen.

There’s no thought behind it in the moment but saying it over and over again feels meaningful.

It took me a couple of weeks to notice this pattern.

It’s not a fear of death, or sadness or worry – it’s a deep neurological understanding I’ve reached with myself.

Realising I was at peace with the decisions I’d made was particularly useful because last Monday the hospital called to say the big operation I’d been waiting for would go ahead in just a couple of days. While this was much sooner than I expected I also knew I was ready.

The procedure took place on Thursday, and it went well, although it took them a long time to extract my old pacemaker, part of which was stuck inside me. After six hours they’d successfully replaced it with a new leadless device.

I’m back at the castle now recovering from the operation. I’ll be off work for the next few weeks, but the rest of the team are keeping things going in my absence, and I hope to start getting back into creative projects soon. But for now, I’m focusing my energy and attention on healing.