How Can I Possibly Be Lonely?
I wrote yesterday about having had a bad day and feeling sad. It was a spectacularly miserable day, but some of what I was feeling wasn’t completely new. For example, over the last few weeks or even months there have been lots of times when I’ve felt lonely.
This is likely to sound ridiculous given that:
a) I spend all my time with a support worker
b) That it’s been a very busy time for Touretteshero and we’ve been doing all sorts of exciting things
c) That I have a network of amazing friends and family who live close by
In fact when I’ve thought about it, this feeling’s seemed so ludicrous that I’ve repeatedly dismissed it. But it hasn’t gone away.
I’m largely feeling this way because of recent big changes in my support arrangements. In October Leftwing Idiot, Zoë and Will all stopped providing regular support. They’d each been doing this for between three and five years and we were all close friends. Since then my new support worker has excellently assisted me, but we’re still in the process of getting to know each other.
I readily admit that I’ve been missing all the familiarity a lot, but I’m surprised it’s taking me so long to adjust. And I’ve been telling myself I’m silly for feeling this way.
It’s been compounded by the fact that Sophie, who’s been a long-term friend and who’s been filling in lots of the gaps in my schedule recently, headed back to Cuba yesterday where she lives for much of each year.
I mentioned all this to Rachel last night, and she told me it wasn’t silly at all. She compared it to moving into a new house and sharing with people you don’t know. She said it’s often unsettling and can take months for everything to feel normal.
It was useful hearing it in this way, and it’s helped me feel a bit less impatient with myself.
I know these feelings will pass and that I need to focus on looking after myself and getting to know my new support team.
Rocketdog says:
Jess, have you considered using some NLP ( Neuro linguisitic programming) techniques to anchor in some of the good feelings you had before so that you can fire them up again and transfer them to new situations/people? I’m happy to teach you for free… Skype or FaceTime are easy… Just an idea…this way, you can fire off a series of good feelings ( yes it’s possible and quite easy to do once learned) which will then change the chemistry of thoughts and you will be able to ‘feel’ better not just think better. positive thinking is fine if you’re In a good place.. If your body is feeling sad… Then a change to brain links is needed to get you back into a more resourceful state.just an idea.. Have a great day
beaglebiscuit says:
Interesting but… what is wrong with having unhappy feelings? I think we live in a time where we label feelings as good vs bad, desirable vs undesirable, when really, none are good or bad. We prefer some to others but I figure they all have a function and a reason. I don’t think our cognitive side has caught up in understanding the rest. I do like NLP for grasping that the body and mind might be on different pages, but it still seeks to change what state one is in without really understanding the deeper why of how we got there or the purpose it might serve. I think we view being in a less appealing state as bad, but one could view sleep that way, as an antagonist to the more productive wakefulness… but we know sleep is restorative… perhaps feeling low is as well, or perhaps it allows for reflection? I don’t know but I do know that a "low" avoided or derailed is more apt to return with vigour. I’d rather ask what it seeks than send it away. No offence meant, just thoughts.
Midge says:
Why not get a Cat? Or a Dog? I would love to find out what the name would be! There are lots of cats in need of loving homes – I’m sure you could provide an excellent one! I have two dogs and they are my world. 🙂
Midge xxx
ellymental says:
I think I’m with beaglebiscuit on this one; no feeling is wrong, it’s how we act/react to them that’s important. A lot to be said for reflection.
Sounds like a natural/normal (whatever that is when it’s at home) bit of grieving. No one died, but in a way a chapter of your life has finished and won’t be the same again by the sounds of it.
Rocketdog is not the first I’ve heard expound on the merits of NLP. Some speak highly of it; peeps whose opinion I personally respect and have myself got "NPL for Dummies" sitting on my groaning psych book shelf waiting for an exploratory read 🙂 I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Being a crazy cat lady myself, leads me to believe that a house is not a home without a cat (or other companion animal of your choice). Trite but true in my experience. The advantage of the beguiling feline is their independence and self-reliance means they fit well with busy lives They are more then happy to do their own thing (usually sleep) while you do yours until you make a nice warm lap and it’s time for a snuggle. Research strongly indicates peeps with pets have longer lives and lower blood pressure and I strongly believe a sense of love and companionship that’s hard to surpass.
Never could help sitting on a fence. It’s all good advice and I’d chip in by saying be kind to yourself . You are being awfully hard on yourself. Why on earth should you not be lonely? There really are no rules and regs , no should or shouldn’t where feelings are concerned. As you say yourself it will pass. .